members only

Just a heads up...this post is pretty vague/random/poorly written.  Warning aside, read on...

Have you ever wanted to be part of something just because everyone else is?  Or maybe you wanted to be one of them only because you knew you couldn't be.  Perhaps you genuinely want that membership for pure reasons but your life situation just doesn't allow for it.  Regardless of your reason for wanting to be in the cool kids' club (define "cool" to whatever your situation is), that "members only" status sucks when you're not a member and have no control of it.  But...do you want to know what doesn't suck?  God doesn't want you in the club right now. or ever. but maybe just not now.  Sounds kind of harsh, right?  You're thinking, "how is that the non-sucky part?"  Well, that's the non-sucky part because it means He is good.  He won't let you in the club because He knows it's not the BEST thing for you right now.  He knows the club - its members, its benefits, its challenges.  He doesn't want you to experience any of those out of His timeline.

 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

That's a hard pill to swallow when I can't understand why my ways and thoughts aren't the best for me.  This verse has always been comforting to me AFTER I endure tough situations, but I'm working on trusting it DURING such trials.  I think it's okay that you still want to be in the club.  However, it's not okay to idolize it.  He doesn't want us to dwell on what we don't have or what we aren't, but rather what we have and what we are in HIM.  Rejoice for those in the club but keep your eyes on Christ and what He has planned for your life right now.  His sucky ideas are better than my best ideas.

(God - sorry for calling your ideas sucky.  I know they're not.  They just seem like it sometimes.)

a changing me

I've done a lot of thinking about me over the last few months.  Normally I would say that sounds self-absorbed (because it does), but in this case it was necessary.  It's been a huge thing for me.  It's led me through some fascinating discoveries about who I thought I was, the things I thought I needed, and the people and accomplishments I thought defined me.  Through some very frustrating experiences, a lot of honest conversations with friends, family, and mentors, and way too many tearful prayers to count, I have grown in ways I struggle to express in words.  I have learned about me and, even better, learned that it's okay that I don't know everything about me.  I still have a long way to go.  I still have too much stress to be healthy long-term.  I still worry about the future more than I should.  I'm still on this journey to relearning how to live truly content in who God made me - not content in what I have control of, but what He is in control of.  Regardless of the "I still"s, I can look back to see how far I've come and be confident in God's hand in each step.  I'm grateful for my (ridiculously) overemotional summer because it's allowed me to experience God in ways I never have before.

My friend from small group and I at the NC Mountain State Fair

I love this picture.  Not just because I feel pretty (which is very rare for me to acknowledge and huge for me to put in writing), but because I actually feel beautiful.  It's more than a physical beauty - I can feel my joy when I look at myself.  Thank you to my amazing family and friends who have always seen this beauty and have continued to point it out - even when I so strongly resist :)