skipping through 2014

Happy New Year!!!

Maybe if I put my goals/resolutions/whatever-you-want-to-call-them in writing I'll be more likely to reach them.  This is me giving you permission to accountabilitize me this year.

Love people.
This is especially geared towards loving people I know or know of, but don't like.  That sounds mean (because I can be), but it is truly something I have been working on and am making a serious goal of this year.  God loves me and all of you.  He commands me to love Him and all of you.  In order to reach this goal I plan to be more vulnerable (I hate that word) with the people currently in my life, be more welcoming to new people at church, and make a point to learn about and invest in others' lives before and without passing judgment on whether or not they seem like someone I'd normally be friends with.

Find joy in today's situation.
I struggle tremendously with anxiety about the future - what it will hold, and more often what it might not hold for me.  I want to experience God's joy in each and every circumstance in which I find myself this year.  If you catch me worrying incessantly about things out of my control please call me out on it (not too harshly please - at least until about midyear).

Be content with my physical appearance, regardless of its state.
I don't want to make any specific health and fitness goals this year.  I'm generally healthy and active and am happy to say I've seen results with my recent fitness adventures.  Sure, it would be nice to shed a few+ pounds and drop a dress size but my focus this year is to be happy with being healthy.  I want to enjoy being active, viewing it as an opportunity rather than a chore.  I want to see myself as beautiful because God created me, not because I'm having a good hair day.  I want my inner beauty (which I'm still working on - hence the first two goals) to shine brighter than any fitness or beauty regime can produce.

Spend less money.
I need to budget.  It's going to suck but I need to do it.  I don't go on absurd shopping sprees or throw money at my problems (except for maybe when I'm PMSing and I NEED something-anything at target).  However, I don't track or evaluate my spending and therefore don't save.  My income isn't great and I do have car and student loan payments to make, but I know there's room for improvement and I'm determined to find it this year.

Shave my legs more often than once per week.
Kidding.  Kind of.

members only

Just a heads up...this post is pretty vague/random/poorly written.  Warning aside, read on...

Have you ever wanted to be part of something just because everyone else is?  Or maybe you wanted to be one of them only because you knew you couldn't be.  Perhaps you genuinely want that membership for pure reasons but your life situation just doesn't allow for it.  Regardless of your reason for wanting to be in the cool kids' club (define "cool" to whatever your situation is), that "members only" status sucks when you're not a member and have no control of it.  But...do you want to know what doesn't suck?  God doesn't want you in the club right now. or ever. but maybe just not now.  Sounds kind of harsh, right?  You're thinking, "how is that the non-sucky part?"  Well, that's the non-sucky part because it means He is good.  He won't let you in the club because He knows it's not the BEST thing for you right now.  He knows the club - its members, its benefits, its challenges.  He doesn't want you to experience any of those out of His timeline.

 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

That's a hard pill to swallow when I can't understand why my ways and thoughts aren't the best for me.  This verse has always been comforting to me AFTER I endure tough situations, but I'm working on trusting it DURING such trials.  I think it's okay that you still want to be in the club.  However, it's not okay to idolize it.  He doesn't want us to dwell on what we don't have or what we aren't, but rather what we have and what we are in HIM.  Rejoice for those in the club but keep your eyes on Christ and what He has planned for your life right now.  His sucky ideas are better than my best ideas.

(God - sorry for calling your ideas sucky.  I know they're not.  They just seem like it sometimes.)

a changing me

I've done a lot of thinking about me over the last few months.  Normally I would say that sounds self-absorbed (because it does), but in this case it was necessary.  It's been a huge thing for me.  It's led me through some fascinating discoveries about who I thought I was, the things I thought I needed, and the people and accomplishments I thought defined me.  Through some very frustrating experiences, a lot of honest conversations with friends, family, and mentors, and way too many tearful prayers to count, I have grown in ways I struggle to express in words.  I have learned about me and, even better, learned that it's okay that I don't know everything about me.  I still have a long way to go.  I still have too much stress to be healthy long-term.  I still worry about the future more than I should.  I'm still on this journey to relearning how to live truly content in who God made me - not content in what I have control of, but what He is in control of.  Regardless of the "I still"s, I can look back to see how far I've come and be confident in God's hand in each step.  I'm grateful for my (ridiculously) overemotional summer because it's allowed me to experience God in ways I never have before.

My friend from small group and I at the NC Mountain State Fair

I love this picture.  Not just because I feel pretty (which is very rare for me to acknowledge and huge for me to put in writing), but because I actually feel beautiful.  It's more than a physical beauty - I can feel my joy when I look at myself.  Thank you to my amazing family and friends who have always seen this beauty and have continued to point it out - even when I so strongly resist :)

i'm ready

I'm ready to fall in love.  Well, I fall in love all of the time...with a pair of shoes, dessert, snow, a dress.  This time I'm ready to fall in love with a boy though.  It might be all of the weddings I get to take part in this year or maybe I've been watching too many romantic comedies, but I've felt the desire to fall in love more strongly lately than usual.  Since I don't plan on really changing my day to day activities, I doubt anything will come from this renewed excitement in the prospect of dating (and eventually marriage).  I still plan on enjoying the daydreaming while it lasts.  See, the funny thing is I love being single right now.  Sure there are times when I'd rather have a husband...more so while I'm dealing with car troubles, deciding which insurance policies I need, and dreading the thought of saving for retirement.  But, I wouldn't trade a day that I've spent single for anything in the world.  I have had the most amazing conversations with my friends, laughed to the point of not being able to breathe and nearly peeing my pants, and shopped too much and consumed too many calories without judgment or guilt.  I love having the entire bed to myself, leaving my shoes all over the ground if I want to, and making decisions without considering someone else's opinion.  So, while it lasts, I'm good being single.  It fits me nicely.  But as long as Lifetime movies exist, I'm ready to fall in love.  I know it might sound contradicting, but it's the perfect balance for me.

anxious

I feel like I spend too much time feeling anxious.  Anxious.  Anxious to get home and relax after a long day of work.  Anxious for the weekend.  Anxious for the holidays.  Anxious to get married.  Anxious to be a mom.  Anxious for the next exciting thing.  Anxious.all.the.time.

When I was in high school my dad experienced some health issues while we were on vacation and had to spend a night in the hospital.  Anxiety came up as a possible part of the problem, and my mom was trying to help my sisters and I understand what that meant.  I remember laughing so hard when Lynsey asked if anxiety was like how she felt anxious to see Justin in a couple days (they had just been dating a few months at this time).  The thought of something as serious as an anxiety attack being related to the excited feelings to see her boyfriend was so funny to me at the time.  But thinking back on it now I can see the connection.

I get anxious about exciting, little things like a day off or skyping with my nephews.  However, the next minute I feel anxiety about paying my bills or being single forever.  It's funny how we use the same word to describe very different things.  That physical feeling in my heart does feel the same though, whether it is exciting or serious.  It's hard to tell the difference myself sometimes.

No matter what the subject though, God tells us not to be anxious about anything.  Trust Him to take care of tomorrow.  As easy as that is to read in the Bible, to hear a sermon on, and to tell other people about, it seems infinitely harder to follow.  I need to make a conscious effort to live for today, to appreciate what God has put in front of me right now.  It's so hard to stop dreaming ahead and truly be content in my current situation, whether that's during my work day with my students or in my relationship status of one. I know I need to spend more time with God, both reading and praying, on this issue, but if you have any practical suggestions I'll take them!